Burning Questions You Want To Know

(Pardon the lack of paragraphs. My blog page has stopped letting me make paragraphs. It's making me crazy!) Now that the cat is out of the bag, I thought I'd answer some of those burning questions that everyone wants to know. How did you find out? The ancient spirit gods came to me in a dream and told me I was past my time and I should pee on a stick. I did and the stick spoke to me and said.......... "Yes." When did you found out? Middle of Febuary. I found myself standing in the middle of the grocery store with a bag of chips, a package of cookies, gummies worms, & a can of easy cheese. I added the pregnancy stick as an after thought. Have you been sick? Am I a female that is pregnant? Did you use anything? You mean besides heroin & cocaine? This has been an unusual question for me asked by some people I assume based on length of marriage and age. Nope. All natural. Hence Jake's peacock strut in the video. Twins? Gratefully no. I can only handle one leech at a time. Have you been to the doctor? Two visits so far. One alien looking ultrasound and a strong heartbeat of 160 as my rewards for attending. Do you think it's a boy or girl? I'm leaving that question up to God and pondering more on whether it will be a day walker or a ginger. (Remember only a ginger can call another ginger a ginger.) What is the Willy Wonka? All I ever heard prepregnancy was about morning sickness & labor. Nausea, throw up, mood swings & labor pains. Nobody ever told me that I wouldn't poop for 2 weeks at a time!! When I finally get the urge to go, it's a 3-4 hour adventure of doubled over pain, turning pale, occassionally throwing up, getting dizzy, going through hot & cold sweats & nearly passing out from pain. I call this the Willy Wonka because I remind myself of the candy machine that gurgles, burbs, beebs, buzzes & sprays steam, & in the end produces one little tiny piece of candy. That's right family. After all of that doubled over pain, I get one little tiny piece of candy out of it. One little everlasting gobstopper. Do you have any cravings? ........................sorry I think I just vomited in my mouth.........I can't be around foo.................... excuse me again, please don't mention anything about foo......................I'll be in the restroom. How's my mood? I will defer the question to Jake although I will mention that he is still alive with all limbs and organs intact. I think I'm doing well. What have you learned so far? a. Clearly God is not a women b. There must be some serious forgetful genes to make woman want to do this a second time c. All things in their most natural form smell like vomit & dead animal. That is all.